


Strangers

by sheep_sleeepy



Category: Mamamoo
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet Ending, Eventual Smut, F/F, Photographer Moonbyul, Songfic, alternative universe, kinda obsessive behavior, moonsun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-06
Packaged: 2021-03-15 00:07:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 23,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29180004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sheep_sleeepy/pseuds/sheep_sleeepy
Summary: "Those chocolate-colored eyes looked straight at me.She always looked at my camera, practically ignored the other photographers eager for her attention.She always focused on me, always with that intense gaze, as if she wanted to steal my soul.Perhaps that was her real intention: to steal my soul... and my sanity."Moonbyul is a photographer in the magazine run by Solar, and she shouldn't confuse things between them.Moonbyul centric.
Relationships: Kim Yongsun | Solar/Moon Byulyi | Moonbyul
Comments: 19
Kudos: 51





	1. I'm thinking about you

**Author's Note:**

> Hello ~
> 
> I was inspired by Halsey ft. Lauren Jauregui's "Strangers", and I was sad when I wrote this, so... yeah, it has a melancholic tone over the chapters. 
> 
> Already posted this fic on aff, but I want to sync both accounts :)

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I was quick to capture images of her. Those chocolate-colored eyes looked straight at me. She always looked at my camera, practically ignored other photographers eager for her attention. She always focused on me, always with that intense gaze as if she wanted to steal my soul.

Perhaps that was her real intention: to steal my soul... and my sanity.

I shouldn't be thinking about it, it didn't do me any good. However, a nostalgic sensation accompanied me in today's event. Since I arrived to photograph the celebrities and executives who attended this party, it was as if I was doing it for the first time. And right now, when I was facing her posing for pictures, looking directly at my camera, I felt like the first time I saw her. It was in a situation like this, she was posing, and I was photographing.

Five years ago.

That night, we were still strangers, completely unknown to one another. I mean, I knew who she was. I’d already seen her face on magazine covers, in articles about how successful she was in the fashion world, but I didn't know her personally.

That night, my job was to interview and photograph her: the new editor-in-chief of the most influential fashion magazine in the country. It was the night she officially took office and, to celebrate, the magazine's executives threw a huge party. At the time, I was a freelance columnist for Daily Seoul and wrote weekly texts for the newspaper on any topic I was asked to do. That week, my theme was her.

Solar Kim.

Or Yongsun, for intimate people. Of course, at that time I was not allowed to call her Yongsun, we were not intimate.

We were strangers to each other.

Most of the memories I have of that night are linked to her brown eyes and the way they looked at me. There was a magnetism that attracted me, that made me want to lose myself in the depth of that chocolate color from the first time she looked directly at my camera.

Looked at me.

Just as she would look at me in the years that followed.

That night I was unable to interview her, I remember that she answered some questions from the press quickly, but didn’t give individual interviews. It frustrated me, I wanted more material to write my article about her. However, I couldn't do anything, so I focused on taking pictures. A lot of pictures, from all angles, in all the ways that I was allowed to.

I remember it was that night that I met Wheein again, a former colleague from journalism school. We weren’t close friends, but we had a good relationship. She wrote for Persona, the magazine that was now run by Solar Kim. As we talked for a while, I updated her on what I was doing, and she told me about her work, she even introduced me to some people. We exchanged our numbers for imagining that it would be good to keep in touch.

And the night was over.

Although I didn't get the interview, I wrote an article about Solar. It was nothing exceptional, maybe you even said it was "more of the same". I talked a bit about her life, about her career and her rise in the fashion world, about how she was known for predicting trends, I talked about the significance of having her in charge of a magazine like Persona. I even wrote a paragraph about her beauty and style. Perhaps I went a little overboard when commenting on her eyes and smile and how her fluffy cheeks made her look lovely. Of course, I used a lot of photos to illustrate what I highlighted in my text. I didn't expect anything from that, just did my job with a light personal touch totally influenced by a little crush that I started to develop for her.

So imagine my surprise when I got a call from Wheein a week after I published that article in my column.

I didn't have much information on that phone call, my colleague just said "people here are interested in your work, could you come to Persona on Thursday afternoon?"

So I did.

On Thursday punctually at 3 pm, I was already in the waiting room, sitting on an extremely comfortable sofa, assessing my surroundings. I was nervous. I didn't know who I was waiting for, deep down I prayed it was her, but the chances were minimal and that was proven when Hyejin Ahn came into the room and called my name. Hyejin is Solar's personal assistant, she is practically the shadow of the woman who would gradually become my obsession. Hyejin welcomed me, she was very friendly and invited me to accompany her to her office on the 22nd floor, next to Solar's office. She let me sit down first before saying anything.

"Would you like something to drink, Miss Moon?" she didn't wait for me to answer before she called the secretary and asked for coffee and some snacks.

While we waited for coffee, she remained silent using her computer and making some notes in a notebook, I realized she was left-handed. I also noticed that she kept her nails long and pointed, they were painted in a dark shade of blue. Her short black hair fell to the side as she tilted her head as she wrote. I remember those details like it happened yesterday. I tried to ignore the nervousness and ended up focusing on anything but the reason I was in that office at a meeting with Solar Kim's personal assistant.

The soft knock on the door was enough to startle me, I tried to disguise it, but Hyejin noticed, and I could see that she was holding a smile. After serving us, the young secretary left us alone again.

"You must be wondering why you were called here, right?" I just nodded before taking a sip of my bitter coffee. "We saw your article. I must say that we were very impressed by your photos, you definitely have a talent for photography."

I didn't know it yet, but when Hyejin was referring to "we" she was talking about Solar.

Solar saw my article.

Solar was impressed by my photos.

"Hmm, thank you, Miss Ahn. I'm flattered, but I'm not that talented." I replied with an embarrassed smile.

"Please call me Hyejin." She smiled and looked me straight in the eye. "Can I call you Byulyi?". Again, I just nodded, something about her intimidated me. "Byulyi, we recognize talent when we see one. So we called you here because we would like to invite you to participate in a photoshoot that will be held next week."

That confused me.

"Sorry, Hyejin. But I don't understand, I am not a professional photographer." I said, frowning.

"We know, I talked to Wheein Jung before calling you ... You write for Daily Seoul and some blogs, don't you?" she said before drinking her coffee.

"Yes. I am a freelance columnist."

"Your texts are great, I read some, and I really liked the way you add your opinion so naturally." There was a small mischievous smile on her face, I don’t know why, but it made me even more uncomfortable.

"Thanks."

"But in addition to your talent for writing, we see an ability for capturing essences through a camera. Your photos from last week's event ... How can I say it... They left us enchanted. It caught our attention, and we would like to take a test, it would be an experience for us and for you."

What else can I say? We talked about the photoshoot for another hour; she gave me some details, talked about the payment, and so on. Obviously, I accepted, an opportunity like this shouldn't be dismissed.

I wasn't the only photographer in that shoot, Amber Lee was responsible for it, and I was helping her, taking some pictures as training. I was learning, that's what she said. We hit it off right away, we talked a lot about photography and techniques, and she explained to me how things were there. It was a great help. Several models were present, some columnists and stylists as well. The theme was retro fashion, a retelling of classic fashion from the 40s and 50s, it had a noir touch that I loved. I spent the whole day in the studio shooting with Amber, at first I was a nervous wreck, but eventually, I relaxed, and I felt good in that environment ... photographing that dark and melancholy essence.

I remember that these were the terms that Solar used when talking about my photos from that day: "dark and melancholy as a good film noir". However, she didn't tell me that day, in fact, she didn't speak to me that day. I came to think that she didn't know I was there. But she knew, she always knew.

Solar and Hyejin arrived at the studio in the late afternoon, and as I said, Solar didn't speak to me. She was basically directing the photoshoot with Amber, with a gentle but assertive voice commanding everyone there. Watching her at work was an incredible thing, I felt mesmerized, and I even photographed her a few times while she was giving orders. Hidden, of course.

Hyejin must have noticed because I remember she came to talk to me with that mischievous smile on her face and commented "One of Solar's talents is giving orders. She is very good at this, isn't she?"

I didn't answer because I was embarrassed and feeling like I was caught stealing something. Hyejin just smirked and went back to her boss.

Some of my photos were selected for publication and after that, I became a regular photographer at Persona. I grew up a lot under Amber's tutoring, I studied and dedicated myself to it. I developed a passion for photography, after all, it was because of it that I had the chance to get closer to Solar.

Just over a year after that noir photoshoot, I was hired to be part of Persona's photography team officially.

I can’t say when things started between us, whether it was before or after I was hired as a photographer, but I know that for me, everything changed after the first time she spoke to me directly.

It was in December 2016, I had been officially working for Persona for a few months, and now I had the right to attend internal events, this included the company's Christmas celebration. I remember that the last issue of the magazine had been a success and Solar decided to make that celebration a big party for everyone. She rented a house for events, there was a lot of food, a lot of drinks, and they had done a lot of decoration for Christmas.

"She’s so extra" Hyejin had said laughing as she stopped to greet us when we arrived at the place. Hyejin was referring to Solar, of course. Our editor-in-chief had fame to be extravagant when it came to celebrations.

When we arrived, many of our colleagues were already enjoying themselves on the dance floor. It was a really fun night, I remember it well. I drank with Wheein, and we laughed and danced together, some friends eventually joined us. I had my camera - as always - capturing everyone's fun when Solar arrived, and once again I saw those chocolate-colored eyes through my camera's lens.

She was stunning.

Long black hair cascaded down her shoulders, her blood-red lips so inviting. She had chosen a black dress, simple and tight, favoring her curves. I lowered the camera to admire her for a moment, but I soon felt the urge to capture that beauty. Her eyes were turned towards me, as always. As I photographed her, I registered the hint of a smile on that beautiful face. I smiled too.

And then she was surrounded by people.

The night went on, there was a moment when we exchanged gifts, and she made a speech that no one remembers because they were too drunk. But I wasn't. I stopped drinking the moment she arrived, so I was aware of my actions and her actions as well. I couldn't take my eyes off her, following her and watching her every move. From afar, of course.

Shortly after midnight, I lost sight of her. My mood dropped significantly, as I didn't see her anywhere. After a few minutes of looking for her, I decided to get some fresh air in an attempt to reduce my frustration and I left the main hall, there was a small garden in that house and I went there. I was extremely surprised to find her in that place, alone. She had her back to me, her hands resting on the back of a wooden bench. A surreal vision, I could have sworn I was dreaming, but I saw her look over her shoulder and when those chocolate-colored eyes fixed on mine, I realized it was reality. Do I need to say that my heart started beating fast as if I were running a marathon? That would be an understatement.

I thought I would have a heart attack at any moment.

Still, I approached her.

"Hey… Aren't you cold?" I asked as she wasn't wearing any coat or anything that could protect her from the cold of that December night.

"What are you doing here, Moon Byulyi?" she asked me, turning away and looking straight ahead. I confess that I didn’t imagine that she knew my name and that made me happy in a way that I wouldn’t like to admit.

"I needed some fresh air," I replied, positioning myself beside her, placing my hands on the back of the bench, imitating her pose.

"And you?" I asked.

"I needed some fresh air," she answered me. I had to contain a smile.

"It’s cold here," I commented by removing my blazer and placing it on her shoulders.

"Thanks." She looked at me with a small smile. This time I allowed myself to smile back.

We were silent for a while. It wasn’t an uncomfortable silence, but I felt that I had to say something. I should take advantage of that rare moment, and I sighed before turning my face to look at her. I had never been this close to her and I couldn't help admiring her profile, her features always enchanted me.

"Do my cheeks look rounder up close?" she asked taking me by surprise.

"What?" I said idiotically, totally at a loss, and she laughed. A low, short laugh.

"You talked about my mocchi cheeks in that article." And she looked at me with a straight face.

It took me a few seconds to understand what she was talking about.

The article I wrote about her last year.

Did she remember that? God.

"I remember saying that it makes you lovely. And looking closely now, I can say that it makes you more beautiful."

Another short laugh and she looked away.

"Smooth talker" she whispered. I smiled again.

"So did you read what I wrote?"

"I always read everything people write about me."

"It's a lot ..."

"You could say that."

"And yet you remember my article."

She didn’t answer me. At that time, I thought it was too bold to think that there was something else in that silence.

"I should go back, Hyejin must be looking for me." She said taking off my blazer.

"You can have it, it's cold tonight," I said, holding her hand so that she remained with the blazer.

How should I describe how I felt with that touch? It was something I had never felt before touching any other woman, heat spread through my body and I felt so full of energy.

My hand took a moment longer over hers.

"You’ll be cold ..." she whispered.

"Don’t worry about me."

Solar looked at me with an unreadable expression for a second, but at last, she accepted my gesture of kindness and thanked me again before going back inside. Solar left me alone in the garden thinking about the cold that I felt and that was not due to the low temperature of a winter's night but to her absence. She left with all the warmth.

At the end of that night, I realized that cold would accompany me whenever she was not around.

The following Monday, when I got to work, my blazer was on my chair, and on the table was a box with a small note.

_'Thanks for your kindness and happy birthday, Moon Byulyi. I hope you enjoy this gift. '_

It was not signed, but it was obviously hers.

She gave me a Polaroid camera that year. It's still my favorite camera, with it, I was able to take lots of photos of Solar, in all angles and ways. That camera captured many happy moments that we lived together.

Unfortunately, I didn’t have an opportunity to personally thank her. When I looked for her in her office, Hyejin informed me that she’d traveled and would spend the year-end holidays abroad.

This way I only met Solar again two weeks later.

I remember that early 2017 was crucial for us. It was at that moment that I admitted the strong attraction I felt for her, it was something more than a crush based on admiration and respect. It was physical and it was strong. I longed to see her, longed to be close to her and to be able to feel that pleasant warmth that spread through my body whenever she was around.

Unfortunately, I didn't have as many opportunities to meet with her. As editor-in-chief, she was extremely busy and there were rare occasions when she could personally check photo shoots. So, for me, every moment when I could be in the same room as her was a moment to be enjoyed. I watched her trying to record as much detail as possible in my memory, her physical features, and her mannerisms. 

And I found myself getting more and more attracted.

Solar was always in my mind, conscious and subconscious.

During the day I watched her from afar, wanting to touch that soft, milky skin.

During the night I had vivid dreams, each time more detailed and hot, with her at my mercy.

Something totally platonic.

Until one day I realized that the attraction I felt could be reciprocal.

The first time I noticed any evidence was in late January right after the planning meeting. It took me a little longer to leave the meeting room because of my team, and I happened to find her in the elevator. She was with Hyejin, as usual, and it was the first time that I came so close to her after the Christmas party. I believe that Solar didn’t know that I had changed my style a little or if she did, it was still taken by surprise because she couldn't hide the way she looked at me when I got on the elevator.

I won’t pretend modesty; I know that my beauty draws attention and the silver hair was quite alluring, the looks of desire throw in my direction confirmed this. But for me, it was the sparkle in Solar's eyes that stood out. A glow that lasted a few seconds, because she knows how to hide her emotions very well, yet she couldn't hide that look.

I noticed that glow.

You might think it was something that my somewhat obsessed mind created to fuel my platonic feelings, but it was real. And I swear to God, the way she looked at me set my body on fire. If Hyejin was not present at that moment, I would have surrendered to temptation and would have taken Solar right there, and I know she wouldn't complain.

After that, I dared to assume that attraction was bilateral and started to pay even more attention to Solar's minimal gestures in search of evidence that could support my assumption. What I discovered was pleasant.

I found out that she looked at me for a while longer, even if discreetly.

I found that whenever she saw me around, she used to run a hand through her hair or fix her clothes.

I also found that whenever I got closer, she would clench her jaw tightly or moisten her lower lip with her tongue, a gesture that led me to the edge of madness.

Solar showed a minimum agitation with my presence, an agitation that was reciprocal. I didn't know what to do when I was close to her, but I was gathering evidence and needed to get closer.

You know, I used to make fun of romance movies, always with the same cliché scenes, sure that it never happened in real life. It gets to be comical like one of those cliché scenes happened to me. One day, we ran into her in the elevator again, and she was alone. I remember I went in first, and she came in next. I remember that we put our hands on the panel at the same time and that we touched. I don't remember which button we pressed, it didn't matter where I was going. What matters is that she didn’t move away and allow our fingers to intertwine a bit. Cliché, I know. The electricity from that touch made my body shudder. It didn't last long, though. Soon someone prevented the doors from closing and entered, much to my displeasure. However, those few seconds were enough for me to almost die.

What would have happened if that person hadn't entered at that time? I felt weak just to imagine.

Perhaps that moment in the elevator was also evidence for Solar because, after that, we started seeing each other more often and the little touches were repeated.

Solar participated in some shoots that I photographed in the following weeks, and I must admit that Hyejin was right in saying that commanding was one of her talents. Solar had natural leadership and incredible vision, she knew how to direct. She was aware of the best positions to highlight what she wanted. It was fascinating, it was mesmerizing. And satisfying, I loved hearing her soft voice guiding me and giving me orders.

I noticed that she started to be close to me, always asking to see the preview directly from my camera. It was in those moments when, in disguise, our fingers would touch for more seconds than causality would allow. It was in those moments that I could get drunk with the scent of her perfume, it was when I could rejoice in the heat that her body emanated.

The tension between us grew at an absurdly high speed.

Gradually I started to feel suffocated by that.

On her birthday, I gave her a picture. It was a picture of her, one I took the first time I saw her, and is one of my favorites. I didn't deliver it personally because we were still strangers, I didn't have such intimacy. I sent it to her office with a card, it was nothing pretentious and, again, I didn't expect anything. However, at the end of the day, when I returned from an outside photoshoot, there was a message on my desk. It said that Solar wanted to see me and that I should go to her office as soon as I was free.

So I did it.

I went up to the 22nd floor with shaking hands, my heart jumping in my chest. Not out of nervousness or fear, but out of anxiety. I wanted to see her more than anything.

When I got there, her secretary was already leaving, and I was told to go in because the editor-in-chief was already waiting for me. I knocked and opened the door, but I didn’t enter immediately. She was sitting focused on something on her computer. Her well-drawn eyebrows were slightly furrowed and one of her hands held her chin. I found myself smiling at that scene, I had already realized that this was her "concentration pose", and it was adorable. I came in and only when I closed the door behind me, she looked away from the computer screen.

"Moon Byulyi. I was waiting for you, please have a seat," she said calmly running a hand through her hair.

I went to her desk and sat on one of the chairs across her.

She said nothing, just leaned back in her chair and looked at me. It was the kind of look she used to hide when we were in public. However, there in the privacy of her office, she didn’t hide anything. The intensity in that look was so raw that I felt my breath hitch.

"I wanted to thank you for the gift you gave me. Personally," she said breaking the silence with her soft voice.

"It was nothing, but I hope you liked it." I held her gaze.

"I loved it." She paused for a second before slowly getting up. "You have the ability to capture more than images with your camera; I always felt that you were photographing feelings. Few people have that sensitivity, Byulyi. The picture you gave me is proof of that. It's sensitive, and it's beautiful."

I swiveled the chair, watching her walk around her desk as she spoke. Our eyes remained locked the entire time. Solar stopped right in front of me and I felt so small in front of her. I looked at her from below, and she looked like a goddess. So powerful and unreachable. I resisted the urge to kneel before her and offer myself in sacrifice.

"You are beautiful," I whispered. It was a thought that I vocalized without realizing it.

She said nothing, just kept looking at me and I wasn't sure if she heard me or not. But I saw her jaw clench before her tongue moistened her lower lip. I imitated her movements and a moment later I felt her hand grip my chin tightly. She leaned towards me a little and her gaze fell on my mouth as her thumb gently caressed my lips.

The tension was stifling.

I wanted- no, I **needed** her to kiss me.

However, she didn’t. She didn't have a chance, because Hyejin knocked on the door and interrupted us.

"Solar, I - Oh! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to interrupt you." My goddess's personal assistant was visibly embarrassed.

Solar quickly composed herself and pretended that nothing was about to happen. I, on the other hand, could not formulate a coherent thought that was not ‘fuck’.

"Hyejin, can you give us a minute, please. I'll call you soon." Hyejin nodded and closed the door quickly.

I saw Solar take a few deep breaths before going around the desk and sitting down in her chair again.

"Byulyi ..." she sighed. "Byulyi, I don't want there to be ... misunderstandings between us. I'm your boss here. Our relationship must be as professional as possible. You understand, don't you?"

"Yes." My voice sounded weak.

"Great. Thanks again for the gift." She said at last, and I knew it was my cue to leave that office.

"Happy birthday, Solar." I said before getting up, I felt my legs tremble.

My heart was tight as I left her office. I think Hyejin was waiting to be called, but I didn't pay attention. I entered the elevator as quickly as possible, I just wanted to get out of there.

I understood what she meant, there was no chance of anything happening. She was unreachable for me, I knew that. And yet, hearing that from her mouth.... it hurt. 


	2. Don't confuse things

Frustration swallowed me alive.

I don't know if you can understand me, but wanting someone you can't have is one of the worst things a person can experience, and I experienced that daily.

The desire I felt for Solar seemed insatiable, I realized this during the months that followed.

Solar continued to attend the shoots I photographed, we continued to meet eventually in Persona's corridors and elevators, the tension between us still existed and was palpable. But nothing happened, she kept the professional facade and I did my best to stay focused on it.

In the vain attempt to relieve the tension and frustration I felt, I started to have some hookups. Still, it was not enough, it didn't change anything. I was still being eaten alive by the intense feelings I had for Solar.

I could see those brown eyes in all women, and it made me feel worse.

It was the most miserable time of my life. I mean, not to mention my current situation, of course.

I couldn't imagine that Hyejin would help me put an end to my agony. It had been some time since I realized that Hyejin had a certain interest in my dear journalism colleague. Interest that Wheein insisted on denying, but I knew it well, I recognized myself in Hyejin somehow. The difference between us is that her situation was less complicated, and that's why I decided to help her. Well, some of us needed to succeed, right?

I started to dedicate my free time to the task of making Wheein return Hyejin's interest. I became a kind of cupid, one of the insistent and melancholy type.

I'd filled Wheein's ears talking about Solar's personal assistant, talking about how kind and sweet she was and how good it would be to get to know her better and blah blah blah. And I observed with joy the signs that my friend was starting to become interested in Hyejin, so I insisted even more until the day Wheein agreed to hang out with us.

When I talked to Hyejin about it, her eyes lit up. I remember wondering if one day Solar would make my eyes shine like that by accepting my interest in her and that made my mood drop. I wasn’t able to celebrate Hyejin's small victory, I felt no satisfaction in having a small success in my task as cupid. Yes, I am selfish to the point of envying other’s happiness. You can judge me, I don't care.

I returned my attention to Hyejin when she opened her eyes wide and hit the table as she spoke:

"My God! My birthday! Of course!!" she noticed my confusion and then explained: "My birthday is at the end of the month, I will prepare a celebration. Small, just for close friends, you and Wheein are invited. It will be the perfect opportunity!"

We both didn’t imagine that this would really be the perfect opportunity.

When Hyejin said it would be small, just for close friends, she wasn't kidding. She prepared some food and drinks in her apartment, it was a spacious and very well decorated place, and I felt at home the moment I entered. Wheein and I weren’t the first ones to arrive; there was already a girl and two boys enjoying Hyejin's hospitality. They welcomed us, and we were introduced to SooJung, InKyu and JeWook, longtime friends of the birthday girl.

Despite our shyness, Hyejin managed to facilitate our approach and her friends seemed interested in making us feel part of the group. It was a pleasant evening, for sure. The strangeness of the beginning was overcome, and we enjoyed their company with the nice conversations that followed. After a few shots of alcohol, I watched Wheein approach Hyejin, the two of them seemed to be in their own world, with whispers to the ear and light touches.

Once again that bitter feeling came over me when I thought I should have that with Solar.

You know, envy is a horrible feeling and I felt horrible. Not even the thought-provoking conversation with the other occupants of the room distracted me from that feeling. So I drank more because I thought the best option would be to be numb. However, my plan to get drunk was thwarted when the doorbell rang, just before midnight, surprising everyone including our hostess.

She opened the door and I could hear a surprised gasp, and then Hyejin shouted, "UNNIE!"

Then that soft voice that fascinates and tortures me, started to sing - beautifully - a happy birthday song. We all got up and accompanied her in her lively singing. I mean, I didn't sing. I was too busy watching her come into the apartment with a cake in hand. Her eyes were two crescent moons due to the grin on her pretty face.

It was the first time that I saw Solar in a situation that was not professional.

It was the first time I saw Yongsun.

And you must imagine how I felt, right? I was shaking, I was delighted, I was afraid of being so close to her, I was happy to be so close to her.

"Yongsun! You said you wouldn't come!" Hyejin said while laughing.

"Did you really think I wasn't coming to celebrate your birthday?!" my goddess responded by laughing and handing the cake to the birthday girl. They hugged and I saw that she whispered something in Hyejin's ear. When they pulled away, Solar- no, Yongsun looked around and became aware of the guests. She greeted everyone, greeting me last with a quick handshake.

As we ate the cake, conversations resumed. Wheein, InKyu, Hyejin, and Yongsun were animatedly talking to each other. I stayed in a trivial conversation with SooJung and JeWook, I confess that I wasn't paying much attention to what they said. My attention was focused on her.

I was fascinated, that Solar was different. She was more relaxed, looser. I needed to study her, to absorb every new detail of that woman. For example, I noticed that she used her hands a lot while telling some animated story and that was something new for me because Solar had always been a very restrained and serious person at work. I also noticed that her laugh, the real one, was loud and high-pitched, reminded me of the sounds that dolphins make. It was contagious; it made me want to laugh with her. I also noticed, much to my displeasure, that she avoided looking my way. She seemed to have no interest in interacting with me and I felt bitter again. Those people had her attention, while I was ignored.

That horrible feeling started to grow inside me again.

At one point, I excused myself and went to the kitchen to get more soju. When I got there, I saw that the refrigerator’s double doors were full of Polaroid photos and I spent a minute analyzing them. There were several pictures of apparently important moments for Hyejin. Her childhood, family and school events, trips, and moments with her friends. Solar was present at some of those moments. That was when I realized the dimension of their proximity, they were much closer than expected in a professional relationship between an executive and their assistant.

I saw a younger Solar, the pink hair of an early age, with an equally young Hyejin with orange-colored hair, their poses were funny at some extravagant event. In one photo, Solar and Hyejin were smiling side by side with the Eiffel Tower in the background. In a more recent one, they posed with serious expressions, their cheeks glued. There was also a photo where Hyejin squeezed Solar's cheeks, it felt like a moment of fun, and they smiled in a way that made my heart weigh.

If envy is a horrible feeling, jealousy is worse.

I went back to the living room and to my mission to observe Solar. My observations now distorted by jealousy. Every touch, every laugh, every look from Solar to Hyejin was seen by me in a malicious way. I knew that Hyejin was with Wheein and only had eyes to my friend, but that didn't matter to my jealousy.

I felt worse, the whirlwind of emotions crashing inside me reinforced by the alcohol I insisted on drinking. My disturbance must have been so obvious that it made Wheein sit next to me; I only noticed her presence when she placed a hand on my restless knee and spoke softly:

"Unnie, don't you think you're staring too hard?"

It made me look at her, my eyebrows together showing my confusion.

"You already drank a lot, and you've been very obvious looking at her like that." she was right, I should restrain myself and be discreet. But I couldn't. I released a heavy sigh and allowed her to take the soju out of my hand.

"You're right, Wheein. Thank you ..." I said in a monotonous, robotic way.

"Are you okay? Do you want to leave?" she offered me water, I accepted.

"Yes, I am ... I just got carried away by some thoughts ..." I replied, forcing a smile.

Wheein didn't buy that and stayed by my side, entertaining me for a while. But I realized that Hyejin wanted my friend to pay attention to her again, she was constantly looking at us. After a few minutes, I decided that the situation was too much, and I got up saying I was going to get some fresh air on the balcony.

I don't know how long I was alone looking at the city, but it was enough to bring me a bit of sobriety. I calmed down and rationalized how ridiculous it was to feel jealous of Solar and Hyejin's relationship, I felt ashamed by the thoughts I had.

That was Solar's effect on me, that frustration of not having her made me lose my rationality.

Heavy sighs escaped my mouth; mechanical breathing helped me to remain calm. I focused on that.

I was so absorbed that I didn't hear the glass door slide. When I felt that characteristic warmth spread through my body though, I knew that Solar was there with me.

The night was hot, but I was always cold and that cold feeling only disappeared when she was around.

"You were in need of fresh air." It was not a question.

I turned my face and found her brown eyes watching me intently. My breathing stopped for a moment.

"Are you better now?" she added, I could see signs of amusement in her features. As if she was enjoying my tormented state.

I didn't know it yet, but Solar could be an angel sometimes, and she could also be a real demon.

"Y-yeah." I replied weakly, I wasn't used to being so close to her like that, and it affected me too much.

She smiled. I swallowed hard.

"Byulyi, Byulyi ..." my name danced in her tongue in a mischievous way. "What do I do with you?" she asked, shaking her head slightly.

I saw her gaze drift quickly to my lips before she turned and faced the city, resting her arms on the railing. I turned to face her completely, throwing my body weight against the parapet, and concentrating on facing her. We were silent for an indefinite time.

I might have been imagining it, but I preferred to believe that the light pink shade I saw on her cheek was real, and it was a sign that she was somehow affected too. I saw her throat bob a few times as she swallowed hard, I saw her moisten her lips, her hands gripped the railing tightly.

She looked kind of nervous.

"I wish that acting was one of your talents." Solar broke the silence. "It would make things a lot easier."

"You can't imagine how hard it is." 

She turned her face to me.

"I know it's hard." She was firm. The way she looked at me ... She seemed to want to find answers to all her doubts. The main question seemed to be: "What do I do with you, Byulyi?"

"What do you want to do?" I asked back, shakily.

"There are many things that I want to do, but I know I shouldn't."

My heart sped up.

"Why not?"

"Because I know it wouldn't end well."

"You can't be sure of that."

"Let's be realistic, Byulyi." she countered immediately.

I took a deep, impatiently breath, that conversation was getting nowhere.

"Being realistic, I want you," I said firmly for the first time, my hand moving to take hers. That electricity giving us chills.

My sudden confession seemed to surprise her; she was speechless for a moment. A moment that was interrupted by Hyejin. Again. Our hostess cleared her throat to get our attention.

"Yongsun, sorry to interrupt, but SooJung and InKyu are leaving. Could your driver give them a ride?

"Yes, of course! And what about JeWook?" Solar replied in a slightly hoarse voice, removing her hands from the railing as she turned to speak to her, effectively breaking our physical contact.

"He already left."

"Right ... Hm ... Tell Yoonjin that after driving SooJung and InKyu home, he... is off for tonight, please. I won't be needing him today anymore."

There was a silence that said many things. Hyejin's eyebrows arched in surprise, but a smile soon appeared on her lips. A mischievous one.

"Okay ... I'm going to come in and introducing Wheein to my lingerie collection, then. Make yourselves comfortable." Hyejin looked at me and winked before closing the glass door, leaving us alone again.

Solar remained leaning against the parapet with her arms crossed. She was thoughtful.

"Are you cold?" I asked to break that deafening silence.

"No." she replied plainly before going to sit on the couch that took up the balcony’s right side.

The silence remained for another time as my racing heartbeat thundered in my ears. I wanted an answer to my confession, but I decided to wait until she had the initiative to say something.

While I waited I watched her run a hand through her hair.

Solar is a beautiful woman. I sighed as I stared at her.

"Stop looking at me like that, Byulyi."

"It's impossible, I can't do it."

She sighed, looking at me, directly in my eyes and I just wanted to get lost in that chocolate color.

So I approached her slowly, afraid that she might reject me again.

She didn’t.

I knelt before her, still holding her gaze, and she took a deep breath.

I put my shaking hands on her knees and slowly parted them, positioning myself between her legs.

She bit her bottom lip and was my turn to take a deep breath.

Her eyes reflected what was in mine: desire. She wanted me too, I knew that.

My hands went up to her thighs gently, and I grabbed her waist, pulling her a bit towards me. She held her breath.

"You want me too." It was a statement, I didn't have to ask.

But still, she replied:

"I do." It was a hoarse, shaky whisper.

And then she kissed me.

It was slow and steady and sensual and provocative. Our lips molded perfectly. My grip on her waist intensified when I felt her hands on my face and then on my hair. Our breaths mingled, getting heavier and heavier. The air was short, but we didn't want to stop that kiss.

But she stopped.

She pulled my hair back hard, forcing me to pull away while pinning my lower lip between her teeth with similar strength. I moaned in pain and pleasure.

That woman would be the end of me.

I opened my eyes when she released my lip, Solar had a sort of wild expression. Rapid breathing, a slight flush on her cheeks, tight grip on my hair, pupils dilated.

"You can't confuse things between us, Byulyi." She spoke in a low voice.

It was a warning.

And I ignored it. Of course, I ignored it, I didn't care about the consequences, I just wanted to have Solar.

How naive I was.

"I won't confuse anything," I said with the same firmness. She looked me in the eye for a few seconds before speaking again:

"Then we have to discuss the terms of that."

Discuss the terms. She spoke as if we were doing a business transaction.

I ignored it again.

I just nodded as my focus was on her lips, I wanted to kiss her again, but she didn't allow it. Solar stood up, and I remained in place one more time looking at her from below.

Once again lost in the beauty and power that she exuded.

The grip on my hair got even tighter, it hurt, but I didn't care. I would let her do whatever she wanted with me, I was at her mercy. For a moment, I thought about lowering her pants and showing all my devotion to her, in that position.

However, she didn’t let me have the initiative, because then she ordered:

"Lay down," and she released my hair.

I swallowed hard; hearing her give orders has always fascinated me, and it turned me on even more.

I moved and lay down on the couch.

"I'll be right back, stay here," she said before entering the apartment.

A moment later the balcony light was turned off, and I found myself in the dark. She didn’t return immediately, I confess that it was the tensest minutes of my life until that moment. I was afraid she wouldn't come back and that made me even more anxious.

But she came back.

When I heard the click that indicated the door was closed, and she approached me, my heart raced again. She brought a blanket with her, which she set aside when she positioned herself on top of me.

"Are you comfortable?" she asked in a whisper.

"Yes, I am," I whispered back, pulling her closer.

We readjusted, and she sat on my abdomen, straddling me. It was hot, too hot, and the heat increased when we kissed again. It was a different kiss though, it was more urgent and passionate, a kiss that showed all the desire we felt, filled with the lust we felt. When our tongues touched, we whined. We started a battle for dominance and I won. I started to command the kiss, while my hands started to explore. My soft touches extended from her nape to the base of her spine, slowly. I squeezed her waist when I felt her shiver with that, and she shivered again when my fingers brushed the exposed skin when her shirt went up a little. She moaned, and I swear it was the most beautiful sound I've ever heard. I needed to hear more. 

My hands invaded her shirt and I started to caress her smooth skin in a slow and constant pattern along the length of her back and the sides of her body as far as that useless piece of clothing allowed. Solar pressed even harder against me and I felt her push her hips against mine. It was my turn to moan. My hands moved automatically to her ass, giving each buttock a firm squeeze, pressing her harder against my body. It made her break the kiss, gasping.

"Fuck, Byul ..." she moaned against my mouth as she started to rock her hips slowly.

I must say that this was the first time she used that nickname. Byul ... she used to call me that when we were alone, used to shout that when I made her come. Byul... how long have I not heard her call me that?

"Byul ..." she moaned again when I bit her neck, but then she pulled on my hair and said- no, she commanded, "No marks."

Imagine the scandal that would be Persona's editor-in-chief walking around with her neck marked by hickeys; imagine hearing all the gossip and speculation about this knowing I was the one who marked her. I was tempted, but I obeyed her command, and I was kinder. I distributed kisses around her neck, my hands continued to grip her ass tightly as I guided the increasingly intense movements of her hips.

Her hair cascaded around me, blocking my view to anything but her. We kissed again, harder, and she bit my lip hard before sucking it. And then she pulled away, sat on me to take off her blouse and bra. I sat up too, putting my hands on her breasts before making a trail of wet kisses across her neck and collarbones.

Solar was perfect for me. Her breasts fit perfectly in my hands, our lips molded perfectly, our bodies merged perfectly. It was as if we were made for each other.

Her hands intertwined again in my hair when I captured a nipple between my lips, rolling the other between my fingers. Heavy breaths and moans were the only sounds that could be heard on that balcony. She didn't seem to care that we were in plain sight even in that semidarkness, so I didn't care either. I worshiped her body with my mouth and hands for a while longer until she pushed me, forcing me to lie down again. She did nothing, just stood in the same position looking at me. I wished I could have photographed her at that moment: messy hair, puffy lips, and the bright glow in her eyes. She was dangerous beautiful in the half-light.

I took my hands to her neck and trailed down, passing by her breasts, by her abs slowly, I stopped just to open her pants. I slowly unzipped it and I could see her chest movements intensify, I also felt short of breath. Everything seemed in slow motion, she got up a little and I put my hand flat on her sex. My heart almost stopped when I felt her panties so... wet.

"Fuck ..." I mumbled.

Solar really wanted me too.

You must be thinking, "duh, of course, she did! If she didn't, she wouldn't have started any of this."

I know and yet, I was only quite sure of it the moment I felt it.

I also awakened in her the same desire that burned within me.

That certainly made me want to scream, made me want to drown myself in all that dampness.

I pulled her against me again; I kissed her hard as we somehow got rid of the rest of her clothes and her breathing failed when I started to massage her clit slowly.

We gasped together when two fingers penetrated her.

And then I was sure of something else: being inside her was like being in paradise and I would never, ever, be able to live without that feeling again. It was the first dose of a drug that would leave me forever addicted, that would hold me, hostage, to Solar forever.

We started slowly, but gradually her movements intensified, matching the rhythm of my hand. The heat was rising, the moans increased. She clung to me as if her life depended on it, I clung to her because I knew my life depended on it. When the orgasm hit her, she called my name and happiness flooded me.

She was mine at that moment and I couldn't be happier.

That night, our first night, I learned that I should not underestimate Solar. Never. She's focused, she's determined, she's hardworking and there's probably nothing she can't do. That night I learned that Solar could do whatever she wanted to me, and that's what she did.

I melted under her touches. I was never a religious person, but there I was begging God for mercy while her tongue explored my body, over and over again.

The next morning, I woke up to the bright sunshine on us.

She was lying on top of me, sleeping peacefully in my arms. I wanted to scream with euphoria, but I was content to watch her, a silly smile taking over my face right away. The blanket she had brought protected our bare skin, in full contact, from the cold morning breeze.

Although I would never be cold with her.

"Stop looking at me like that, Byulyi." she spoke in her sleepy voice, still with her eyes closed.

"It's impossible, I can't do it." I replied; my silly smile widening.

Without answering, she buried her face against my chest and pulled the blanket over her head. It made me laugh; I couldn't imagine a shy Solar. I kissed the top of her head and held her tighter in my arms.

A few moments later, she moved, bringing her face to my neck, and started kissing me, kisses so soft that almost tickled me.

"Your heart is beating so fast ..." she commented before biting lightly on my earlobe.

"It’s your fault. You make it want to get off my chest."

She quickly sealed our lips before saying:

"This is not good. I don't want you to have a heart attack because of me."

"I don't care; I would die happy for you."

She was kidding, I wasn't.

"Byulyi-"

I don't know what she was going to say with that serious tone, I cut her off with a kiss. The first in a series of other kisses that followed. She pulled the blanket over our heads when things started to get more intense, but obviously, Hyejin Ahn would interrupt us.

She probably got some pretty fat paychecks every time she messed up my moments with Solar.

"YONGSUN! ... your phone is disturbing our morning peace. Get up and answer it!" we hear the muffled yell.

"And you are disturbing my moment of happiness ..." I said quietly just for Solar to hear. She laughed out loud. I smiled.

"YONGSUN! Where did you-" Hyejin entered the balcony. "What the fuck?? Do you know I have an extra room, don't you?" she snorted.

"I'm on my way, Hyejin ..." Solar replied, still laughing.

And in this way she left my arms, picking up her clothes quickly and taking the blanket with her. I stayed in the same place for a few seconds until I processed what had happened, I dressed right there, without haste, still with a silly smile on my face.

When I entered the apartment, Wheein and Hyejin were having breakfast together at the kitchen counter.

"Good morning, Byulyi! I imagine you slept well." That mischievous smile was plastered on Hyejin's face.

Looking back on that now, I see the parallel between the first and the last time I woke up with Solar in my arms. In both, the woman of my life left without saying goodbye.  
*

To my chagrin, I didn't meet Solar in the days that followed.

It was a bucket of cold water over my enthusiasm, discouragement washed over me. I didn't want to accept the idea that we had just a one-night stand. No, one night would not be enough. Now that I’d tasted her, I wouldn't settle with another woman.

I needed to have Solar again.

Hyejin didn’t help me. She started to have lunch with Wheein, things between them were going very well and that, once again, waked my envy up. Seeing them in that couple's atmosphere hurt me. Solar and I should be living in that atmosphere too!

Anyway, as I said ... Hyejin didn't help me, she didn't give me information or anything. When I asked for Solar's number, Hyejin just told me:

"I can't give you her number, Byulyi. If she wants to talk to you, she'll contact you."

I remember her smile when she said that to me: sad and embarrassed. She felt sorry for me, I guess.

Solar didn't speak to me for days because she didn't want to.

That hurt.

It was also a warning and I ignored it.

Just over two weeks after our first night, I received a message from an unknown number.

xx xx xxxxx-xxxx - 12:02 pm

Byulyi.

Wait at the corner of La Rouge Coffee at 6 pm.

A car will pick you up.

Y.

I thought it was strange, obvious, and I wouldn't go to that meeting; I wasn't crazy at that time. I wouldn't go if it wasn't... Y?

Y as... Yongsun? I almost passed out just thinking about that possibility.

Yes, I went. I think I was already crazy at that time.

Punctually at 6 pm, I was at the corner of La Rouge waiting for someone I wished was Solar. Anxiety tormented me like never before as the minutes passed and no one came. I was already considering the idea of giving up and leaving when a small limo stopped at the corner. The driver got out and opened the door for me without a word. I walked in suspiciously and came across Solar, she was scrolling on her tablet focused.

Sexy, this is the adjective I'm going to use here.

She was sexier than ever with that air of a successful and wealthy businesswoman, she was wearing only a white dress shirt bigger than her with a black-tie loosely tied around her neck, her legs crossed tantalizingly bare, high heels and red lipstick, ready to kill someone weak as me.

My mouth went dry. Maybe my brain had a short circuit too because I didn't hear what Solar said at first. I hadn't realized that she had put away the tablet and was looking at me with confusion.

"Byulyi? Are you okay?" she sounded concerned.

I cleared my throat and shook my head slightly to try to compose myself. I felt hit by a truck when I saw her after what happened.

"Yes."

"Great ... As I said, sorry for the delay, I was in a meeting that took longer than planned."

"No problem." I looked away and analyzed the car we were in, it was luxurious. "How... fancy..." I mumbled to myself, but she heard it.

"This limo is not mine, one of Persona's shareholders lent it to me." she was smiling amused, so I smiled too.

The car door was opened again by the driver.

"Your tea, Miss Kim."

"Thank you. Yoonjin, can you go for a drive around the city, please? I'll give you Miss Moon's address later."

He just nodded and closed the door, a moment later the car started moving.

"We need to talk," she said as she moved to sit beside me.

"I thought you were going to ignore me again." I couldn't help the resentful tone in my voice.

"I wasn't ignoring you, Byulyi ... It was a tough week, the executives are demanding more results, I didn't have time to stop and talk to you."

"Okay..." I was disappointed; these little actions left a bitter taste in my mouth even then.

"And I also needed time to think about what happened," she continued.

Fear came over me, that was an important moment. I was afraid that that conversation would lead to a path that lead me away from Solar, I was afraid to stay living in that reality where I wanted her without being able to have her. The previous months had left me somewhat traumatized.

I also feared the path that lead me to her but to a lesser extent. Back then, I was willing to do anything just to keep her close to me, even if it meant being ignored because of meetings and things like that. Even if it meant suffering.

I said nothing, fear was tying my tongue, and I waited for her to continue the conversation. I expected nothing less than sincerity in Solar's words and that's what I got, but that raw honesty was a double-edged sword.

It affirmed her seriousness about what we felt, and that made me happy.

It also affirmed my place in her life, and it hurt me.

"Byulyi... I can't, and I won't deny that I feel a very, very strong attraction to you. I have to admit that I should have more control over this, but unfortunately, I don't have, as you could see during Hyejin's birthday. Pondering about what happened... Things between us ... took a hasty turn. But it was inevitable. Sooner or later something was going to happen, and know that I don't regret it." she said it looking into my eyes. I understood that as a confession; my heart was flooding with momentary happiness.

"But...?" I asked. There was always a but.

"But ... I'm the editor-in-chief of the magazine you work for. First, we have a professional relationship that must be taken seriously. A relationship that requires respect, ethics, and limits." She paused, which was filled with a heavy sigh. "You can't confuse things between us, Byul."

Byul...

"I already told you that I won’t," I said softly, I was afraid she wouldn't believe me. I was afraid not to believe me too.

"I don't know if I trust that... You can't control yourself, you can't hide it. Everyone in the magazine knows that you feel something for me, Byulyi. Everyone. And this is dangerous... for both of us."

Well, she was right. As Solar said before: acting is not one of my talents.

Yet...

"I can do my best... if you give me a chance ..." was I willing to beg? Yes, I was. "Trust me, Solar."

I said that with a hand on her knee and I noticed that she shivered.

"It's too risky..."

"We can make it work." I tried to be firm, and I think she must have believed in my firmness. There was hesitation in her eyes, it was the first time I had seen her so uncertain.

So I kissed her. I wasn't willing to walk that path that didn't take me to her.

When she returned the kiss, I knew I had a small victory.

When our mouths parted, our foreheads touched.

"Byul... This is not fair ..." she said in a low tone.

"I'm ready for anything, Solar." I sustained her gaze.

Ah, those brown eyes would be the death of me. I should be seducing Solar, but it was her eyes that were seducing me. I was falling for their hypnosis when she said:

"Yongsun." She sealed our lips before moving further away.

"Call me Yongsun when we are alone." I think I could now consider myself intimate with her, or so I wanted to believe. "At Persona or anywhere else that requires a professional stance, you must call me Miss Kim."

Ah yes, the terms. I almost had forgotten that there were terms to be discussed.

She continued:

"You must not demonstrate that we have anything but a professional relationship. You must not tell anyone about us. You must not contact me at work, if I need to speak with you, I will send you a message. Also, I need you to sign a consensual relationship contract. "

What could I say? I agreed with everything. I would be her secret, that was my place. It was what I would have to endure to have her in my arms and I would endure it.

"Byulyi, we are not in love with each other. What we have is a physical attraction that may or may not last, and that's it. Don't confuse things."

That should be a mantra for us: 'don't confuse things, don't confuse things, don't confuse...' I was slightly annoyed by that, she was putting our relationship in a physical field and limiting it when it could be something else. I wouldn't have any of my romantic fantasies about her, but that's okay, I wanted Solar. Desire. Attraction. Fuck the feelings, I wanted that woman in my bed and in my life and I would have it.

Do. Not. Confuse. Things.

"Okay, I agree with everything."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am."

"So we have an agreement." She looked me in the eye again before saying, "Come here, let's seal our deal."

And I found myself on my knees for that woman again.

We had sex in that car that I had no idea who it belonged to. We didn't care about the driver in the front seat, separated from us only by a dark glass... Yongsun had a certain exhibitionist fetish, as I was able to prove in some of our future meetings. I didn't think it was a bad thing, I would make all the fantasies she had come true.

When I got home that night, I was happy. I’d achieved what I wanted. I would have the woman of my life, the owner of my thoughts that were slowly becoming more obsessive, I would have her for me.

Although not on the best terms, I would be content with that.

I thought I would be satisfied with that.

As I said before: I was naive.

But that's what they say out there: when you make a deal with the devil you have to be willing to spend eternity in hell.


	3. Ups and downs

In the weeks that followed I felt that Solar was testing me. She didn't call me for an intimate encounter. However, she attended every one, that's right, every shoot that I photographed. She was always around teasing me with the least, and I was excited just to see her breathe. But I had asked her to trust me and I would do my best to assert that trust.

So I forced myself to be as professional as possible, respected the limits between us, and fulfilled her demands. Our meetings at the company were quick and objective, nothing but work. I decreased the intensity and frequency of my gaze. When she was around I would stay quiet, disguising as much as possible when taking a picture of her (this is a habit I can't get rid of) or when there were small touches of our hands. I started staying less through the administrative area, too.

I hate to admit it, but Solar was right about everyone in the magazine knowing that I felt something for her. When my colleagues noticed my change in behavior, I heard many comments.

_'It seems that Miss Kim lost her number one admirer '_

_'Byulyi, please tells us who took Miss Kim’s place in your heart? '_

_'Our boss must have told you that nothing is gonna happen, right.'_

_'Byulyi, is the crush over finally?'_

Annoying.

They were all annoying, and idiots for believing in my lies. I laughed at all the comments every time they bring up that subject, eventually people lost interest in "the end of my crush on Miss Kim."

I will not deny that those weeks were frustrating, but in a way, it was easier to take it knowing that that distance was necessary and temporary. At some point, she was going to call me.

And I was right about that.

The following month, my name was on the list of the team that would cover Paris Fashion Week.

Her name too.

It was an exhausting fifteen days. There was a lot of work to be done and we had practically no rest.

Especially after Solar taught me the way to her room and we set out on a double journey.

I must say that I used that Polaroid camera several times during our stay in the City of Light. I photographed Yongsun at different times during the nights I slept with her. I have practically a collection of records of her emotions before, during, and after sex.

I was happy.

So happy.

After we returned to Seoul, things flowed well. We adjusted gradually, our meetings were sporadic and quick in the beginning. Once or twice a month, and she didn't stay to sleep. But little by little they became more and more frequent. Sometimes Yongsun would show up at my apartment out of nowhere and we had hot nights, she liked to try new things and I liked to be her guinea pig. It interesting that the more sex we had, the more we wanted to have it. That attraction that could end at any moment only grew.

Even more interesting were the moments of intimacy, without sex, that were repeated. We slept together, woke up together, showered together, ate together. Gradually, her presence became a constant in my apartment.

And in my life.

But of course, Yongsun still maintained a safe distance between us, despite all the intimacy we were building.

We stayed together when she wanted to, and only when she wanted to.

We did what she wanted, and just what she wanted.

Sometimes she would disappear. Yongsun would spend days without showing up or texting me, treating me coldly when we saw each other at the company, and I believed that this was a form of torture.

But then she would reappear and take possession of me.

I remember that something like this happened during the holidays. The month of December was very complicated for me, she spent a lot of time ignoring me and it distressed me to the point where I lost sleep and appetite.

Yongsun was a drug that I was already dependent on, and abstinence killed me. Not all the photos and videos I had of her could satisfy the longing I felt, I needed to touch her.

At that year's Christmas celebration, she ignored me the entire time. There was no moment in the garden, it wasn't my blazer that protected her from the cold. I had no opening to approach her. The event was formal and some shareholders of the editorial group to which Persona belongs attended, and Yongsun, as chief editor and hostess, spent the night entertaining them. I spent the night photographing her from a distance.

Thinking about it now, it was at that party that I saw the two of them together for the first time.

It was a cold and sad night for me.

But the sadness was forgotten two days later when she showed up at my apartment to celebrate my birthday. I had gone out with Wheein and some friends for dinner, it was a good distraction for my mind plagued by the lack of Yongsun. However, on the way home I allowed myself to sink into the melancholy thoughts that flooded me frequently.

_'Did she found someone else? Did I do something wrong? Or is she tired of me? ... '_

It was a train of thought that only took me down.

These thoughts evaporated when I entered my apartment. The lights were off and I heard low music coming from my room. For a second I was afraid of having a thief at home, but why would a thief be listening to music, right? I went there cautiously, the music grew louder and I noticed that it was slow jazz. When I opened the door, my jaw dropped. Red rose petals were scattered on the floor and the bed, the flickering candlelight set the mood in something almost mystical. I heard a camera click and looked to the side, Yongsun was by the window with my Polaroid in her hands photographing me, smirking.

I swallowed hard when I realized what she was wearing.

A short white silk robe that exposed her legs, covered in thin, white pantyhose. My mind was flooded with images of her breathing heavily as I took off those pantyhose with my teeth. My mouth went dry.

There was a large, red bow attached to the top of her head. Honestly, I would have thought it was funny to choose that ornament so... extra, if she hadn't spoken in a low, sexy voice:

"Ready to receive your gift?"

**She** would be my gift.

I was paralyzed.

Yongsun approached me slowly, took two or three more pictures while closing the short distance that separated us; her smirk only widened when she realized my inability to make any movement or say anything. Yongsun had always been proud of her effect on me. She tossed the camera on the bed as she raised her hand, gently pushing my chin until my mouth closed.

Yes, I was still gaping like an idiot.

"Your little party took longer than I imagined ..." she started to speak while taking off my coat, then immediately started unbuttoning my shirt. "I was wondering if you were going to sleep at home or not ... It would be a waste if you had ... decided to go somewhere else, right?"

"Y-yes ..." I don't know how I had the strength to answer while Yongsun bent down to remove my pants.

"It would have been a shame if you couldn't have received your gift ..." she said as she stood up, her fingertips lightly touching the length of my legs and abdomen.

I leaned over to kiss her, but her index finger was already over my mouth, stopping me.

"Did you drink?"

"Y-yes ... but just a little bit ..."

"Have you been with another woman?"

"N-no."

"Excellent ... Be a good girl and lie in bed, huh?"

I did what she asked, and Yongsun continued the task of undressing me.

When there were no more clothes to be removed, I tried to take her clothes off, but I was stopped again.

"No. Today is just about you."

I didn't understand until she took a small box that was next to the bed and opened it, there were several interesting objects stored there, but her focus was on handcuffs and ropes. I was handcuffed and tied to the headboard in a way that would not allow me to touch it. 

I was at her mercy, and I couldn't be happier.

When she was satisfied with the rope knots, she came over and whispered in my ear:

"Happy birthday, Byul-ah."

I was already shaking with anticipation.

Then Yongsun got up and started a sensual, slow dance. She was seducing me, slowly removing her robe. It had barely started and I was already pulling the strings, longing to free myself and put my hands on her. My chest rose and fell with frightening speed and practically stopped when I finally could see the lingerie she was wearing.

The white lace did not give much room for imagination.

When she climbed on the bed, still dancing, my despair increased. Yongsun was in no hurry, she took advantage of the minutes, which seemed to me like hours, before touching me. The immediate relief I felt was soon replaced by the agony that the slowness of her soft touches caused me. It was sweet torture that only maximized my excitement.

She knew very well what she was doing.

I no longer prayed for mercy, no god could save me. and honestly, I didn't want to be saved. My only prayer was her name.

"Yongsun..."

As a condemned asks for clemency, I asked for more.

And she, like the good goddess she was, complied with my request.

  
The next morning, she brought me breakfast in bed. She treated my injured wrists, she took care of me.

It was the best birthday of my life.

Yongsun stayed in Seoul for the holidays that year. I remember that she commented that she would stay with her family. We didn't meet during that period, but we spent a lot of time exchanging messages and talking to each other by phone. Sometimes they were trivial and innocent conversations, sometimes they were perversions that would horrify her family.

I remember that on New Year's Eve I was at a party at a friend's house when she called me. I was forced to lock myself in the bathroom, the obscene things we said to each other made me seek immediate relief. And I remember that before hanging up, Yongsun said, still out of breath, about how her sister was suspicious that she had a secret boyfriend and was insisting that the youngest introduce him to the family. She spoke laughing, amused by the idea. However, my heart skipped a few beats. My heart took that possibility seriously.

And so the year 2018 started with my heart practically singing with happiness.

Maybe I already confused things before there was even anything between us, but the fact is that it has become more difficult not to confuse.

I don't remember exactly when, but Sunday became our day. I remember that one Saturday night, after an event she had to attend, Yongsun called me to say she was going to my apartment, I was already asleep, and was surprised by the sudden call. I would have ignored my fatigue if she wanted to do something, but Yongsun arrived, took a shower, and borrowed my pajamas. She lay on my bed and asked me to hug her, she fell asleep in my arms almost immediately. The next morning, I made breakfast for us. Normally she would have left after eating, but that Sunday she stayed. We spent the day together, doing absolutely nothing.

I mean, almost nothing.

The following week, this was repeated. The other week too. 

And the other. 

And the other.

Until Sunday became our day.

After her birthday, "our day" became "our weekend". At least once a month, Yongsun and I spent an entire weekend together.

Traveling or at home. In my apartment or hers.

Even at Persona, our interactions became less cold. Sometimes she would call me to her office during lunch break or after work was over, and we would be together.

Sometimes Yongsun would take me home and stay to sleep.

Sometimes she was too stressed or tired and asked me to go to her house, and I made her relax. Whether with massages or games, whether with sex or just keeping her safe in my arms while she slept.

Yongsun forgot about the problems with me.

Now tell me how I was not going to confuse things between us?

How can I not be confused when she slept and woke up in my arms?

When in my closet and bathroom there were more and more of her things.

When she would walk around my apartment wearing my clothes.

When she would do stretching in front of the TV while I worked.

When she would cook dinner for us and then wash the dishes singing some pop music.

When she would kiss me sweetly while watching a movie together.

When she would help me sleep by stroking my hair?

How could I not question the nature of our relationship when it was not just about sex? At least, not anymore.

Our relationship no longer fit in a physical field, it could no longer be limited to that.

But Yongsun would not admit it.

She didn’t accept it.

And I, each day more in love, saw no other option but to hide my true feelings for fear of losing her.

I saw no option but to swallow those three words that begged to be said out loud.

However, I was overwhelmed by the weight of repressed feelings.

As the intensity of my pent-up passion increased, so did my jealousy and my need.

In April 2018, Yongsun was called by the editorial group to assist in the launch of a new fashion magazine in Japan. She joined the preparation team due to her experience and that meant more work. After all, she had to fulfill her obligations as Persona's editor-in-chief and would have to work on creating this new magazine.

More work for her meant less time for me.

It was at this time that I started to visit her apartment more, but it was still difficult to maintain regularity in our meetings. At first, it didn't bother me, because I also started to have more work. Now I was a senior photographer, and just as Amber was once my tutor, I became a tutor for some young photographers.

However, as the weeks went by, all that excess of commitments stressed me out.

Not because of the excess itself, but because of the lack.

The meetings that Yongsun had with the team of shareholders became more frequent.

Yongsun's presence in my life has become rarer.

The first indication of this was Wheein's birthday party, which she was unable to attend because of a meeting. On the day I didn't care so much, she wasn't that close to my friend. However, after that, our nights gradually became canceled at the last minute because of meetings, and then our weekends became shorter and shorter because of meetings.

Meetings.

Meetings.

Meetings.

Meetings that turned into dinners that always ended too late for her to be able to see me or for me to go to her apartment. There were sudden trips that forced her to cancel our plans. It was the time she stopped spending with me, to spend with them.

Eric Nam and his team.

By doing a quick (and discreet) search through the administrative corridors, I discovered that the Nam, the majority shareholders of Persona, always had an affection for Solar and helped a lot in building her career. I remember that at the time of her nomination as editor-in-chief, they weighed in on the decision, but I didn't pay much attention to that. There was no reason, right?

However, now I did.

JongDo Nam, the father, was a gentleman who liked Solar very much.

YoonDo Nam, the son, seemed to inherit that same liking.

Eric was in charge of the Japanese project, so it was more than expected that Solar would also be on the team he put together. And so far so good, their relationship was strictly professional.

The problem is: he was stealing the time that was supposed to be mine.

That left me, little by little, paranoid, and pressed the dam of feelings inside me.

One day in June, I was exceptionally bitter when Yongsun decided to call me.

I was shooting for the summer special edition and was stressed.

The models were snobbish. The stylists were unbearable. The columnist kept meddling in my work. And my new assistant was not helping me at all. On the contrary, Seulgi and her clumsiness were making me even more stressed. Well, maybe I hadn’t stressed out about her mistakes on another occasion, but on that particular day, I didn’t bear it.

It all got worse when I got the message from Yongsun asking me to come to her office during the lunch break.

I went up to the 22nd floor with a clenched jaw, I was irritated and my tense posture demonstrated that. I knocked on the door and didn't wait for her to respond, opened it, and entered quickly. Yongsun was sitting with her elbows on the table, massaging her temples.

She didn't look well.

However, I wasn’t either.

We hadn't seen each other for a few days due to her busy schedule.

If you guessed that was the reason for my bitterness, you guessed correctly.

"Yes, Miss Kim?"

She opened her eyes.

"Byul-ah, come here, please." Everything about her screamed tiredness, from her expression to the tone of her voice.

I didn't move.

"Do you need anything?" I asked in the same cold tone.

She stood up and walked over to me, hugging me.

"Of course I do, Byul." She spoke softly as she buried her face in my neck and her scent surrounded me.

As a reflex, my arms wrapped around her, pressing her against me.

"I'm so tired, I needed to see you regain my strength." She spoke against my neck before starting to distribute kisses.

What the hell.

My body reacted immediately, ready to let Yongsun do what she wanted.

My mind had the opposite reaction, though.

I didn't return any of her caresses until she whispered next to my ear:

"I missed you, Byul-ah."

She couldn't be serious ... Missed me and spent all this time without even sending a message?!

I tensed up and pulled her away from me, holding her wrists tightly.

"If you missed me, why didn't you come to me before?" she looked at me with confusion visible on her beautiful face, I continued: "Or were you too busy with other people to have time to look for me?"

I almost growled when I spoke.

Yes, I was jealous and needy.

As soon as she heard those words, Yongsun's expression went from confusion to irritation.

"I was working, and I didn't have time to look for you before. That's exactly why I asked you to come here now, to spend time with you."

I snorted.

"So you can regain your strength and spend it on Eric Nam's bed?" I spit the words out with the same poison that intoxicated me for weeks.

And I had crossed a line.

I could see the shock in her eyes before the change in her body language. She took a step back, pulling her arms hard and forcing me to let go, straightened her shoulders, and lifted her chin in an arrogant posture before speaking again. The initial shock in her eyes was replaced by a frightening coldness.

"I don't admit that you talk to me like that, and don't think you have the right to assume things about me and Mr. Nam."

"What do you expect me to think when you put me aside to be with him?"

"Nothing! Don't think about it because it's none of your business!"

That hurt.

A lot.

The hurt I felt must have been evident, as her eyes softened, but she maintained her posture.

"Byulyi, do I need to remind you of our deal? The terms on which we both agree?"

Our deal.

Of course, she had to remind me that our relationship was something physical, and only that.

I shouldn't confuse things.

"No. I remember very well the conditions you imposed. But at no time was it imposed that I had to accept that you had another one and still have to be at your disposal. And, please, don't say you miss me when it's not true. Now excuse me, Miss Kim, I’m going back to my work. "

I bowed and left without giving her a chance for an answer, I didn't want to be around her at that moment.

I regretted it as soon as I got on the elevator.

I was an idiot, I let my jealousy speak louder and drown out the whispers of longing I felt.

Because I missed her.

So much that it hurt physically.

A longing that diminished the moment she hugged me.

Yongsun said she missed me too, and I pushed her away.

I was a fucking idiot.

She didn't answer my messages, nor did she answer my calls after that.

That deadly cold came over me again, my days were horrible after that.

But surprisingly, those horrible days were gradually diminishing. I was still bad because of the lack of Yongsun in my life. However, small distractions helped me survive the ice treatment she was giving me.

When I got to work, there was already a cup of warm coffee waiting for me.

In the middle of the morning, there was a snack on my table.

My busy lunch hours were no longer lonely.

When I came home at night, there was a message reminding me to eat well and not drink too much.

Seulgi Kang distracted me from the treatment of silence that Yongsun imposed on me. I wouldn't like to admit it, but being with Seulgi lessens the intense cold I felt due to Yongsun's absence.

Like me, Seulgi joined Persona as a free-lancer photographer and stood out to the point of being hired. It was the magazine's policy to keep a trainee under the tutelage of a senior, to work as an assistant and gain experience, and I was appointed as her tutor.

Poor Seulgi, came into my life at a difficult time and served as a punching bag for my frustrations. I confess that I made her life hell, always pointing out her mistakes and scolding her. When I wasn't taking my anger out on her, I treated her coldly and dismissively. But she always received me with a kind smile. She treated me well, always praised me, and seemed to see me as a professional model.

I started to feel guilty for treating her badly.

One morning when I arrived at work in a deplorable state, she helped me. As soon as she realized I was hungover and wearing the same clothes as the day before, she took me by the hand and guided me to the bathroom. She washed my face, fixed my wild hair, used her makeup to disguise the dark circles under my eyes. Somehow, she got some clothes borrowed from the magazine's wardrobe and while I dressed, she ordered food for me.

She fed me and helped me work on the photos we had taken at an event the night before.

She took care of me.

When I quested her about it, Seulgi replied:

"When I heard I was going to be your assistant, I asked some people about you and everyone told me how amazing and nice you are. As soon as we met, I knew they were telling the truth. Everyone in the magazine admires you so much and ... I started to admire you too ... I don't know what or who is mistreating you and making you act like that, Byulyi. But I know that you just need care ... I'm just trying to take care of you ..." she said with a gentle smile before turning to her computer and returning to work.

She was treating me right. Her kindness made me see that I was wrong by letting myself sink into bad feelings. Seulgi helped me and I could no longer treat her badly, I felt ashamed for my previous actions. Words would not be enough to thank and apologize, so I started using attitudes.

I started treating Seulgi with the attention and kindness that she deserved.

I started to teach what I knew, and praise her work, always so well done. I started to have more patience and started taking care of her as she took care of me.

And our friendship grew.

We were glued together inside and outside Persona. Seulgi and Wheein got along well, too, and I was pleased to see that the three of us could maintain a strong friendship bond.

However, Yongsun was still on my mind. I still felt cold, I still missed her. Despite smiling at work, when I got home I allowed myself to cry. 

My depression started at that time, I think. Seeing the empty apartment depressed me.

Two weeks after our fight, Yongsun didn’t answer any of my messages, didn’t come to me, and afterward, I heard that she was going to travel to Japan with the staff of the new magazine. That is, with Eric Nam.

Upon receiving this news, I realized that there was no more anger, only sadness, and the emptiness that her absence causes me.

But to my surprise, I found her in my apartment one night when I arrived late from work. When I entered, she was lying on the couch, sleeping. My eyes watered at that scene, while a small smile appeared on my face. I left the bags with the food right there by the door and approached her slowly. I was afraid of being a hallucination, and I almost cried when my hand touched her cheek and was sure she was real. When she opened her eyes, I got lost in that brown.

I missed her so much.

I couldn't help but put my face on her neck and inhale her scent.

Yongsun sighed and let me stay like this for a few moments before sitting up. She stretched quickly, still yawning. She was visibly tired.

"Byul, I hope you don't mind, but I preferred to wait for you inside." She smiled embarrassedly.

"Okay, I'm glad you came in ... Are you waiting for a long time?"

"Not much, I guess ... My phone went off, so I couldn't tell you that I was coming..." she didn't look me in the eyes.

"Sorry, I ended up taking longer than usual at work." It was strange to say that, normally she would be the one saying that. 

"It's all right..."

"I bought food, are you hungry?"

She brought both hands to her face and rubbed it with what I thought was too much strength before she spoke.

"I ... I wanted to talk to you before my travel." She said as she lowered her hands.

"Okay... We can do this while we eat."

I didn't wait for her answer and went to the door to get the bags I had brought, then I went straight to the kitchen. She followed me.

I knew we had to talk, but I was so euphoric to have her in my apartment that I didn't think about the possibility that it might be the last time. Maybe I was in denial, I wanted to pretend it was just another normal night for both of us.

Yongsun watched me prepare the food in silence, I felt self-conscious with her eyes following me. Usually, it was my gaze that followed her.

After we sat down at the table and started eating, she decided to speak.

"Byul ... We need to talk-"

"I’m sorry." I interrupted her. "Sorry. I ... crossed the line, I know. I acknowledge my mistake, and it won't happen again. I just ... I'm sorry."

Yongsun took a deep breath and leaned back in her chair.

"Byul, I believe that I made it very clear from the beginning that there is no room for assumptions or speculation or demands and jealousy. You asked me to trust that there would be no such problem and I did. You told me you would not confuse what exists between us. "

"I know and keep my word that I won't confuse anything. It was a slip-up. I ... I had gotten used to our constant meetings and ... I didn't handle well our busy schedules ..."

I preferred to lie.

She sighed.

"There should be no jealousy between us ..."

"If you're talking about Eric Nam, I promise to control myself. I was stupid to think you were leaving me aside because of him and-"

"I'm not just talking about Mr. Nam, Byul." she interrupted me, she still didn't look me in the eye, she seemed to find it more interesting to face her own hands. "This intimacy between us ... That's not what I had in mind. It shouldn't be this way."

"It is impossible not to be intimate in a relationship like ours, Yong."

It made her look at me. Her eyes narrowed slightly, studying me.

"And how is our relationship, Byulyi?"

I didn’t answer. If I had said it was a relationship that was limited to sex, I would be lying again, and she would know it. So I preferred that she draw her conclusions from my silence.

She took a deep breath again.

"That's what I mean when I say not to confuse things. Byulyi, we don't have a serious relationship, we don't date or anything. Don't think that this intimacy that exists between us diminishes the fact that we are practically strangers who use sex to have fun together."

I laughed. 

I had to laugh. 

This was absurd.

"Do you think we're just that, Yongsun? Really?"

"And what else could we be? You don't know me, it's clear from this ridiculous idea that I have something with Eric Nam. And even if you did know me ... there is no love between us, Byulyi. Maybe there is an urgency, the need to be touched and to feel loved. But that it isn't love. "

Those three words came to the tip of my tongue, begging to refute Yongsun.

But I swallowed them.

"Maybe you don't see what exists between us." I dared to speak.

I say I dared because it wasn’t my way to questioning her like that. However, I felt the need to question her view of us.

"Or maybe you see too much." And she replied with the expected firmness. "I think that this time that I will spend in Japan will be good for us to see what should really be seen. Not fantasies and projections of what we want."

"Are you asking me for a break?" I didn't want to believe it.

"I'm not asking for anything, I'm saying we're going to take a break."

I sighed irritably.

"Byul, don't you understand that things can end badly if it continues like this? It will be good for us to stop and think, especially you."

"Don't use me as an excuse to break up with me."

"I'm not using it. And I'm not breaking up ... yet. It’s a short break." She paused before continuing: "I... I see that this has hurt you. I just want you to have some time to think about whether this agreement with me is worth continuing. We both need to think. "

And how did she expect me to be okay without her around ?!

"I need to go, my flight is early tomorrow morning. Byul, think about it, okay? Take care."

I didn't answer her, nor did I look as she left.

I didn't want to accept the conversation we had.

  
The days that followed only increased the emptiness within me.

I was so bad that my friends were worried. But I wouldn't talk to anyone about it, I couldn't comment on what was between Solar and me. Seulgi asked once or twice, and I made up some excuse. However, when Wheein questioned me, I couldn't help but open up to her.

It happened when I met Hyejin and Wheein on the way back from lunch, Solar's personal assistant was strangely looking at me, and it bothered me to the point where I asked Wheein.

"What's wrong with your girlfriend?"

"Girlfriend?" Wheein asked confusedly adjusting her glasses.

"Hyejin ..." I said, rolling my eyes.

"... She's not my girlfriend," she replied with a frown.

"What? Wait, I don't even want to know ... What's wrong with her? She was looking at me strangely in the elevator."

"Ah ... she's worried." She spoke softly.

"About me?"

"Unhum. I confess that I am too, unnie ..."

"Why?" She didn't answer, just look me in the eye.

Wheein smiled at me in the same way that Hyejin usually smiles when she denies me information about Yongsun: in a sad and embarrassed way.

And then I connected the facts.

Hyejin knew what was going on, and Wheein too.

When my journalist friend asked me to dinner at her house that night, I couldn't say no.

She was open to understanding and helping me, I couldn't miss this opportunity.

"Solar is right, unnie." She simply said after I finished telling my story. "About you needing time to think." She completed after seeing my expression of displeasure.

"If she wants to break up with me, why not do it at once? Why does she prefer to torture me?"

"I don't think she wants to break up."

No, Wheein. Don't give me hope.

"What?"

"Unnie. I think Solar is afraid of the proportion that your relationship is gaining. If it's just sex, there shouldn't be ... so much ... intimacy. And definitely, no one should be suffering, and it's obvious that you are suffering, Byulyi. "

"I don't understand. She started this intimacy, why not assume that we can have something else already? Would it be that bad?"

"Byulyi, you researched her life. In all these years, how many times have you seen Solar been in a romantic relationship?"

Never. She never admitted anything, there were never scandals or anything like that. Her love life was a mystery to everyone.

I sighed in exasperation.

"She is not the type of person to be attached, and you have shown evidence that you want to attach her." She said with a shrug.

"I'm losing control of this."

"And she's trying to stay in control. It's going to be good for you to be away from her, hang out with other people, have a life besides waiting for Solar to knock on your door. Your life can't be all about waiting for her, unnie. "

No, it can't.

My life was more than that.

But why did I feel so unhappy at the thought of living without her knocking on my door?

I needed Yongsun to come back to me.

Thinking about it in the days that followed, I concluded that I needed to convince her that I was okay, that she was in control of our relationship. Only then would she come back to me.

So I decided to get better. I would use that time to regain control of my feelings.

No speculation.

No jealousy.

Nothing to confuse.

I would make her comfortable, I would be comfortable.

And I was going to make her see that we were more than strangers.


	4. We're just strangers

I only met Yongsun again at Hyejin's birthday party.

Whoever writes the script for my life is abusing the poetic license, isn't it?

Anyway... Unlike the previous year, Hyejin had a bigger party and invited several people. Her apartment was crowded. Some colleagues from Persona were there and there were people I’ve never met in my life. Wheein, Seulgi, and I arrived together, but my journalist friend was soon asked to accompany the birthday girl.

They were a cute couple.

So, Seulgi and I were left to our own. It didn't take long to find food and drink, and we started socializing and dancing with some people. It was fun, I haven't felt that good in a long time.

But it was Hyejin's birthday.

I knew she was going to show up, she would never miss Hyejin's birthday. Still, I wasn't prepared to see her after that break.

Seulgi was telling me a story of when she met someone called Amanda when Yongsun arrived.

Yongsun was… God, she took my breath away, my mouth suddenly dried up upon seeing her. I took a while to analyze her. Her long hair was now blond, she wore a white cropped lace top and similarly white pants. Though she looked thinner and paler, she was still stunning.

I tried hard not to let my eyes roam over her exposed skin, nor on her red lips, but I couldn't get out of her eyes.

They were fixed on mine. That chocolate color calling me, attracting me.

I could be deceiving myself, but I could’ve sworn there was sadness in her eyes. A sadness that could be the same as mine. That there was a longing that could be just like mine.

No... I shouldn't be mistaken like that. I shouldn't confuse what existed between us, she didn't feel the same as me.

Seulgi's hand on my shoulder made me break our eye contact and I shifted my attention back to my assistant.

"Byulyi, are you okay?"

"Hmm yes ... Sorry Seulgi, I got distracted ..." I forced a smile.

"No problem ... Hmm ... Do you want to dance?"

No. I want to go look for Yongsun.

"Sure, let's go!" I said with false enthusiasm.

After that, I didn't feel that good anymore. On the contrary, everything was heavy. Suffocating. Being so close to her tortured me, I missed her so much, I wanted to touch her so badly.

Our eyes met from time to time, but we didn't approach each other.

Not until most of the guests were gone.

When I saw her going to the balcony, I couldn't resist.

I excused myself from Seulgi with some excuse and headed over to where she was.

I found Yongsun alone looking at the city, and I spent about two minutes staring at her back, absorbing her presence and gathering courage before I closed the door and walked over to her. As I positioned myself behind her, I put her hair over her left shoulder, giving access to her neck, where I distributed some soft kisses as my hands went down her arms, stopping over her hands that gripped the parapet tightly. I felt her shiver, and then she leaned back against my body.

"Come back to me," I whispered in your ear.

I felt another wave of tremors passes through her body.

"I got lost, I got confused ... It won't happen again ..."

Our fingers intertwined and I kissed her neck again.

"Byul, what is already bad only tends to get worse ..." she whispered back.

"No. I will be more patient, I will not even charge you, I will respect the limits, and not suffocate you ... I just want to be with you, Yong ..."

My breath was heavy against her ear. That closeness as always affected me, but I was determined, I had to convince her to come back to me.

Yongsun raised our hands clasped and kissed the back of my hand a few times before turning around. She leaned against the parapet and I narrowed the distance between our bodies, my arms around her waist and our foreheads touching. She had her eyes closed, I waited in silence until she opened them and looked at me.

Her hands were on my shoulders, and she didn't seem to want to get out of my embrace.

We ... We were comfortable. That embrace was comfortable.

I could stay like that all night.

"Your eyes..." she started, still not looking at me. "It scares me the way you look at me ..." her hands touched my face, and then she opened her eyes and fixed them on me. "It scares me that someone looks at me with so much..."

Love.

She didn't say, but that was what she had in mind. I know because that was how I looked at her.

With love. With adoration.

Another silence followed in which we just stared at each other.

"I'm not going to ask you for what you can't give me." I broke that silence.

"This is not healthy."

"Staying away from you isn't either."

"Byul ..."

"Come back to me, Yong. We are perfect for each other, you know that."

"I'm not perfect." She countered.

"You are. Don't you see that? Even your flaws are perfect."

"Byulyi," she spoke my name so firmly, I preferred to shut up before irritating her.

She stroked my cheek before continuing:

"If you want me back, you need to trust me more. If you want this to work."

"I trust."

"I'm serious, Byul." her hands moved to my hair, I closed my eyes. "We don't have an exclusive agreement, but that doesn't mean I'm going to be fooling around with anyone. Much less Eric Nam."

She tugged on my hair, making me open my eyes.

"I don't like suspicions and unreasonable accusations. Do you understand?"

"Y-yes."

"If one day I want someone else, I will end what we have, and I hope that you will at least tell me if you want someone else."

"I don't want someone else."

"Now. But things can change in the future if they haven't already started to change."

We were silent for a minute when I wondered what she was talking about ...

"Don't talk to me like that again, we have to respect each other ... don't you agree?"

"Yes."

"Great ... I ..." she sighed. "I will try to be more patient with you too. And I promise not to be annoyed or insistent if you refuse to see me when you're not in the mood."

"Okay ..." we laugh for a moment.

"Byul ... if this goes wrong-"

"It won't, Yong. We'll make it work, I promise."

"Don't interrupt me." The authoritative tone she used made me smile. "If this goes wrong there will be no other chance. Our old terms are still valid. And no charges, please... Did you think about what we are?"

"Yes, I will not question the nature of our relationship ... I will not suffocate you nor expect you to say that you love me, don't worry. I accept your terms, Yong." and I was being honest.

I didn't expect her to say she loved me, I had already understood that this was not going to happen.

"Are you sure about that?"

"Yes, I don't want to risk losing you."

She nodded.

And then she kissed me.

Finally.

My hands started to run around her body and I couldn't help but interrupt our kiss to comment:

"You lost weight."

"I had a few difficult days ..."

Yongsun kissed me again, she didn't want to talk.

But I...

"You were missing me, weren't you?"

I could see the hesitation in her eyes before she kissed me. More urgently, it was a more violent kiss to the point that our teeth collided.

Gradually we went, blindly, to the couch on the balcony. We fell on it and I broke off our kiss again.

"You ..." I was out of breath. "Y-do you know what day it is?"

"Hyejin's birthday?" she answered seriously and then started laughing at my disappointed face. "I know, Byul... I know."

She pulled me and I lay on top of her, resuming our kiss.

A year earlier we were in a similar situation. At that time I could not imagine that we would go so far ... But on that night of reconciliation, I imagined that we could go even further, I started to dream about the possibility of forever.

I needed to dream about it.

"You came tonight determined to kill me, didn't you?" I said before tracing her collarbone with my tongue.

"Why you say that?" she asked chuckling.

"Are you kidding? I spent the night looking at you, wanting to lick every inch of your skin."

And that is what I did, I distributed kisses, bites, and licks over the entire length of skin that the cropped top didn't cover. I heard her breathing quicken, her hands were clutching my shoulders tightly, her legs parted to welcome me between them as I focused on her defined abdomen.

How I missed that.

I couldn't lose it again.

I pulled up her top enough that my mouth could reach the already erect nipple. She tugged on my hair and her legs closed around me when I left a light bite there. I loved how sensitive she was, I loved her reactions to the least I did. I moved to the other breast and started giving the same treatment, while my hand massaged the other and my hips ground down on hers. She was already panting. But her moan was stopped halfway when we heard the click of the lock and the sliding of the door, then a sweet voice called me.

"Byulyi?" Seulgi called with hesitation.

We both froze. It seemed that time had stopped.

I still had her left nipple in my mouth while Yongsun looked at me with alarm. She had to pull my hair hard to make me let go of her breast and fix her top.

"Byulyi, are you-"

"Seulgi! Hey, what are you doing?" a well-known voice interrupted her, and we froze again.

"Looking for Byulyi." Seulgi laughed awkwardly. "It's been a while since she said she was going to-"

"She's not on the balcony." Hyejin was firm. "I asked her and InKyu to buy more soju, they haven't come back yet."

"Ahh really? I thought I saw her come here, I must have been wrong." My assistant sounded very confused.

"You were certainly wrong, the balcony is closed tonight."

And then we heard the door close again, then the light was turned off.

We let out the breath we were holding. Yongsun relaxed against the couch and I relaxed on her, then we started to laugh.

"I have to get rid of your assistant," she said while slapping me on my shoulder.

"I'm surprised that wasn't your assistant that interrupt us, and she still helped us. I'm really shocked." my laughter was uncontrollable against her neck.

"It's not funny, Byul." a few more slaps, and she continued to laugh too. "I need to end this fetish of having sex in inappropriate places ..."

"Hey, why? It's exciting." I faced her.

"Yeah ... It is exciting indeed." She replied smiling.

We sigh together as I glued our foreheads.

"I didn't think you could be more beautiful, and then you come back with blonde hair ..." I commented while taking a blonde strand from her face.

"So, did you like it..."

"I love it. You look so beautiful."

"Thanks."

We kissed again.

It was those moments that I missed most.

"I need to update the photos I have of you," I said as soon as we broke the kiss, my forehead glued to hers again, her hands running through my hair.

"Do you have any plans for this weekend?"

"No, I'm free for you."

She chuckled.

"You don't even know what I'm going to propose to you ..."

"It doesn't matter, I'll be free for you."

"Then I'm going to surprise you," she said before kissing me. "Now, go get rid of Seulgi before she finds us."

It wasn't so easy to get Seulgi home, she stuck to me in a way that was already annoying Yongsun. I wanted to laugh, but it wouldn't be a good idea since we had just reconciled. The important thing is that we managed to get my assistant to leave without me. And I was able to spend the night with my goddess, celebrating the first anniversary of our undefined relationship.

Hyejin didn't let us go back to the balcony, she claimed that there was a guest room, and we didn't need to do anything outdoors. Yongsun said that Hyejin was afraid of the neighbors calling the police because of our 'explicit actions', I had to agree.

At the end of Friday, Yongsun took me home and helped me pack a small suitcase. She didn't tell me where we were going, she just said that I would like it and that I should take my camera. We took a plane and arrived at dawn on the coast, she had rented a small villa by the sea.

I found it extremely romantic, I imagined it was her way of celebrating the anniversary of what wasn't defined, but I didn't comment on anything. I didn't want to spoil our mood and I also had to remember that I couldn't feed those romantic fantasies.

Although it was difficult.

That place was perfect for updating the photos, of course. I practically did a photoshoot of Yongsun, in all kinds of places and doing all kinds of things, from when she was cooking for us to when she was sleeping, exhausted from our sexual marathon. I pissed her off about it. But in the end, she gave in to posing for me.

I remember that on Sunday, we spent the afternoon at the beach. I wanted to photograph her at sunset because I thought it would be perfect, and it was. All the photos were practically works of art, she was a work of art. I was with my mouth open watching her run towards me with the sunset as background when she said:

"Enough of it! Let's enjoy the sea before we go home..."

Could I deny it? No.

We took off our clothes and went into the sea.

I was watching her swim when she said:

"Stop looking at me like that, Byul-ah."

"Why? Are you going to run away scared?" I laughed and approached her.

"YES!" and she swam away laughing, but I was quick, and I held her.

"I won't let you run away from me," I said, hugging her.

"So don't scare me..." she hugged me back.

We stayed like this for a while, watching the sky darken.

But we started to kiss and soon the movement of the waves synced with our slow movements, full of intensity and, to me, full of meanings. We came together and, although Yongsun looked away, I knew she felt like me.

Happy and complete.

I wanted to live on that beach forever.

Without remembering that in Seoul we had another life.

Without remembering that in Seoul I was still her secret.

Without remembering that in Seoul we couldn't admit that we were in love.

Because we were both in love, no matter how much she denied it.

That's why she was so afraid.

In reviewing these memories, I identify all the signs of this. It makes me even sadder, you know? Cause this is what separated us.

We went back to Seoul that night, and we go back to our routine.

She kept her word to be more patient, I kept my word not to suffocate her.

There were months of calm, before the storm.

I realized that Yongsun was now struggling to maintain the regularity with which we saw each other. There were still meetings, there was still Eric Nam, but she was with me almost as often as before our fight.

I also took Wheein's advice, as much as I wanted to stay home waiting for Yongsun to knock on my door, I couldn't.

When she couldn't see me, I hang out with my friends. I scheduled dinner with Wheein or Seulgi, occupied my mind, and avoided thinking about what Yongsun was doing.

Speaking of Seulgi, we got close. She remained as my assistant for a few more months, she accompanied me everywhere, inside and outside Persona. On the weekends when Yongsun was traveling and Wheein dismissed me because of Hyejin, I used to take Seulgi to art exhibitions or parks, I enjoyed her company and our conversations were endless. Our dates happened without any ulterior motives, I always wanted only her friendship, and she too.

However, people seemed to see everything with malice.

There was a rumor that there was more than friendship between us and, believe it or not, I heard about it from Yongsun.

I remember that I was called at the last minute to attend an external shoot for a special winter edition and I took Seulgi with me. When we arrived at the location, Yongsun was already there doing what she knew best: giving orders.

It was an easy photo shoot, with the presence of the editor-in-chief, no one dared to complicate anything, especially with the cold weather. I acted as I normally did in these situations: I photographed, talked to her the least, and was as professional as possible. I didn't see anything wrong with my actions and no special treatment for my assistant.

However, that night I discovered that not everyone saw my interaction with Seulgi with the same innocence as me.

I knew Yongsun was going to an event that night, so when I left the magazine I went straight to Seulgi's house, and we were working on a side project of an exhibition of her photos. I didn't really realize the time ticking by, nor did I pick up my phone while I was exchanging ideas about photography and putting together Seulgi's new portfolio. She ordered food and yes, we drank a little, but nothing much happened.

I only left when we were done and, although she insisted that I should stay and sleep there because it was late, I preferred to go back to my house.

And when I got to my apartment, I came across an angry Yongsun, to say the least.

She was sitting on the couch watching a movie, wearing one of my pajamas, her hair in a messy bun.

"Hey, Yong ... What a surprise! I didn't know you were coming here after the event ..." I said as I closed the door and took off my coat.

She didn't look at me.

"I sent you a message that I was coming. The surprise was getting here and don't find you at home..." She looked at her phone quickly before continuing: "Until 3:46 am."

Her tone was calm, but I could feel that she was angry. The surrounding aura denounced that.

I fished my cell phone out of the bag and whispered a curse when I saw messages and missed call notifications. All of her.

"Sorry, I didn't see the notifications on the phone. I was working on something and-"

"With Seulgi." She interrupted me still without looking at me.

"Yes, with Seulgi. She is setting up a photo exhibition, and I am helping her with that."

"During the night?"

"It is the only time that we can do this without disturbing our work in the magazine."

I was defensive and didn't even know why.

She just answered me with a "hum."

I sat down next to her cautiously.

"Byulyi, if you are fooling around, I hope you will let me know what is going on."

"I don't know what you're talking about ... I'm doing nothing." I was really confused.

"Do not lie to me." She finally looked at me and I wished she hadn't, I was afraid of what I saw in her eyes.

"I'm not lying." My voice was so weak.

"It is not what it looks like with you treating her differently, with all that care for her."

"Are talking about Seulgi?"

"Who else?" she almost growled.

"Are you saying this because I borrowed my coat and helped her with the job? I would have given you my coat if you accepted any kindness from me-"

"It's not because of a fucking jacket or portfolio, Byulyi, it's because of your attitude. Everyone in the magazine is already talking about you two, and I could see why." She raised her voice, didn't scream, but there was no more calm tone.

Yongsun was ... jealous.

I almost laughed at the irony of that situation.

I almost threw it in her face that in our agreement there is no room for demands and jealousy.

But I am a coward.

"Do you prefer to believe in office gossip rather than trust me?"

"What's between you and Seulgi?"

"Friendship, companionship, and that's it."

She was analyzing me, Yongsun always knew how to read my emotions, always knew what I was thinking, whether I was telling the truth or not. Unlike me, I couldn't see anything other than what she wanted to show me.

"Answer your phone the next time you can't meet me, save me from waiting for you all night." She said seriously but hit me in the shoulder that made me laugh.

"Sorry, this will not happen again."

"Stop laughing."

I laughed more.

"You look sexy when you're ... angry ... did you know it?"

Yongsun rolled her eyes before hitting me on the shoulder again. She stood up and said:

"Go take a shower, you smell like alcohol. I'll wait for you in the room."

She was overreacting, I knew that, but I went to shower anyway.

We didn't sleep. And about this episode I'm just going to comment on two more things:

Every mark Yongsun left on my body was evidence of her possession of me. I was hers.

And when I arrived at work that morning, my body sore and marked, but extremely happy to know that Yongsun was also jealous, I found out that Seulgi was no longer my assistant. She had been promoted and didn't work directly with me after that.

I said nothing about this, it was clear that Yongsun wanted me away from Seulgi. But just as she didn't stay away from Eric Nam saying that there was nothing between them, I didn't stay away from Seulgi for the same reason.

So I continued my friendship with Seulgi normally and this wasn't influenced by the veiled jealousy that Yongsun felt until the beginning of 2019.

Ah! I need to tell you what happened at the end of 2018.

It was a busy period, full of events, and we were busier than ever. Especially with the launch of NeWave, the Japanese magazine Yongsun had been working on for months. The first number would be released in January and, with that, she would need to travel to Japan. But first, she celebrated my birthday with me. It was a celebration that gave us many memorable memories.

We were happy.

However, she needed to travel.

And to my chagrin, the world decided to rub in my face that Solar Kim and Eric Nam were perfect for each other.

The new publication brought the spotlight to those responsible for the project and many articles about them began to appear. Articles that talked about their lives and careers, the tabloids pointed to the fact that the Nam family was very attached to Solar and that they worked together for months, implying that there could be more than just a professional relationship. This lasted throughout November, worsened in December with the approach of the launch, and started to annoy me. The articles became more and more detailed and abused, and it irritated me that neither publicly denied it. I was afraid to bring it up and Yongsun thought I was overreacting again, so I shut up and swallowed my jealousy.

To my surprise, it was she who brought it up as we said goodbye the morning she traveled.

"Byul-ah... trust me. Don't pay attention to what the press publishes, they do it with the intention of selling numbers." She said this by holding my face with both hands, looking into my eyes. "I'll be back to you in late January."

And she kissed me.

I saw her go away with my heart sinking.

I tried hard to do what she asked: to trust her and not pay attention to the press.

That was difficult.

I traveled to my hometown and stayed with my family for a few days, I couldn't bear to stay in the empty apartment. It was a few days, but I felt energized when I was close to my parents and sisters.

I returned to Seoul on the 31st to spend New Year's Eve with Wheein, she was having a party for her friends. Hyejin's idea, of course. Except that going back to the capital reminded me that Yongsun would not be with me and that depressed me. Things got worse with my co-workers' gossip about Solar and Eric, they were Wheein's guests, but I wanted to punch them in the face whenever they talked about it.

It was Seulgi who cheered me up at that moment, she made me laugh and distracted me from those conversations... And from the longing, I felt for my non-girlfriend.

Talking about her.

Yongsun called me just before midnight to wish me a happy new year. We stayed on the phone for a while, talking about anything, trying to keep the topic up, so we wouldn't hang up. But we had to hang up.

And then I was sad.

Without her, I was sad.

It was cold because she was my sun, and she was far away.

And along with the cold, anxious thoughts came fueled by my insecurity and jealousy. I didn't want to believe the headlines in the articles, but how could I deny the fact that they really looked like the perfect couple?

Yongsun called me often and when she couldn't call I fell into the loop of questioning what I really meant to her and what was my place in her life.

I cried thinking about it, thinking about how I would survive if she decided that everyone was right and that she should date Eric Nam.

Three weeks without her.

Three weeks living with my insecurity.

Three weeks when I was unable to stay in my apartment.

Three weeks in which I split between Wheein’s and Seulgi’s houses.

But in late January she came back to me.

And she was not at all happy when she found out that I was spending a few days at Seulgi's house. Obviously, Yongsun disguised her jealousy, but she demanded that I return to my apartment as soon as possible, a request that I immediately obliged.

And we went into what looked like a honeymoon phase. I didn't detach from her, she didn't detach from me. Yongsun slept with me every night in the weeks that followed.

My apartment looked more like our apartment.

I would be happier if Seulgi hadn’t moved to Japan. Yongsun didn’t deny that she had used her influence to transfer my friend to another country under the excuse that "she will do very well there, she already speaks Japanese and her career will grow up at NeWave, who knows, maybe even leading the photography team there."

When Yongsun was jealous, she took actions that could border on cruelty to some people.

When I was jealous, I didn't take any action, I just sank into my insecurity.

Seulgi's transfer made me upset for days, of course. However, Yongsun knew how to distract me, and she did. We went back to that beach to celebrate her birthday, we spent three days living the life of my dreams.

Living the 'forever' that I dreamed of.

But the 'forever' always ends, doesn't it?

Earlier in this narrative, I commented that whoever makes a pact with the devil has to be willing to live in hell. I don't know if you have seen a movie that illustrates this type of agreement, if you haven't, let me summarize:

The protagonist usually craves something impossible and in a moment of despair, they resort to an agreement that seems good at first. The protagonist gets what they want and live well for a while until the devil returns to collect its share of the deal, then the protagonist starts living in hell.

I lived relatively well until that moment.

Ironically, my hell started when I got what I most wanted: Yongsun's love.

I would like to say that it was Seulgi or Eric Nam that caused our separation, but it was not. None of them were to blame.

It was my fault.

I broke my promise, I confused things, I crossed the line.

Without wanting... and wanting.

And we didn't realize it until one day in late July 2019 when we were celebrating our second year together in that indefinite relationship.

We were at my apartment. She cooked dinner for us, I chose a movie that we didn't finish watching because the lust spoke louder. I carried her into the bedroom, and we had sex. At some point in the morning, while waiting for her to recover from orgasm, I rested my head between her breasts and listened to her heartbeat gradually normalize. Her hands, as always, were in my hair giving me a slow, steady caress. The same affection that usually lulled me until sleep took me to the dreamland. I was about to fall asleep when she spoke, I mean, whispered:

"I love your hair ... I love the feeling of running my hands through it ... I love that you relax and sleep with my touch ..."

I don't think she was talking to me, maybe she even thought I was already asleep, but I heard it and I couldn't help the smile that came to my lips.

"I love your touch ..." I replied in a whisper that I would have thought she wouldn't have heard it if it weren't for her heartbeat to accelerate suddenly.

There was a silence that was filled with the sound of her heart racing, her hands didn't stop the caress in my hair. A few minutes passed before she whispered:

"I love how you always smile when you take pictures... and I love your smile, even more, when you're photographing me ..."

I no longer knew which heart beat faster, mine, or hers.

It seemed... a confession ...

I dared to look at her.

Yongsun was already looking at me.

"I love how my heart skips whenever you look at me like that ..." she said as I sank into that chocolate color looking at me intensely.

"How?" I asked shakily.

She smiled before answering to me.

"As if you love me more than anything in the world."

And I loved her. I still love her.

But I didn't say it that night.

Not with words.

I answered her with a kiss that she returned with the same feeling. The same love. It was not guided by libido, by desire, it was all guided by what we felt for so long and that we could no longer hide or suppress.

It wasn't sex, it was love.

We made love for the first and last time.

There was no rush, just intensity. She looked me in the eye all the time, for the first and last time she didn't look away when she came. And I could see without disguise all the feelings that she suppressed for fear. I saw the strength of that feeling that brought us together and moved us apart at the same time.

Yongsun loved me but was afraid to love. 

She was afraid of being loved.

I was sure of that in the morning when I woke up with her in my arms for the last time.

When I woke up I felt her gaze on me even before I opened my eyes and when I opened them there was that feeling unclothed and transparent.

She kissed me several times, on different parts of my body before getting up. We showered together that morning, she continued to kiss me without saying anything.

When I was dressed, she kissed me again slowly and her hands intertwined in my wet hair.

After that, I went into the kitchen to make our breakfast and I felt her eyes following me, and before I even heard the door slam, I felt the cold come and take hold of me.

She left without saying goodbye.

She didn't answer my calls, her only reply to my messages was:

**_Ddun - 11:06 pm_ **

_I can’t._

_I'm sorry._

_Y._

She couldn't love me.

I don't know how long I cried, there were days when I didn't leave the house for anything. Her absence in that apartment that was no longer mine, that was ours... it screamed. It hurt me. And I just managed to cry.

Until Wheein and Hyejin came in, probably using her key, and found me at rock bottom.

It was the beginning of my hell.

I took a vacation against my will, I was taken to my hometown and stayed with my family for a whole month.

A month when there was only pain.

After that, the pain became empty.

An internal emptiness that was as dense as the emptiness of that apartment.

But I needed to act strong so that I could get back to Persona.

Solar interacted with me as little as possible in the following months, she never came to my shoots anymore. She avoided me. Then we were back to what existed before everything, I watched her from afar, and she pretended not to know it.

At some point she had a relapse, I think she was drunk that night. She knocked on my door suddenly, but it was different.

Solar didn't say much to me, she didn't kiss me, she didn't look in my eyes, we had sex quickly, it was just to alleviate the need, and then she left.

If you think I submitted to that kind of thing, you thought right.

She didn't kiss me on the mouth because she thought it was more intimate than it should be.

She doesn't look me in the eye because she's afraid of the feeling she'll find.

Every morning when I wake up alone I remember that one day I had this silly 'forever' dream.

I'm stuck in this sickly vicious cycle.

And yesterday, after the event where I last photographed her, I decided that I need to break free.

I spent the night working on photos of the event for the celebration of Mr. Nam's birthday. I will deliver these photos together with my resignation letter tomorrow. But first I need to finish the birthday gift that I'm going to give her this year.

You know I have a lot of pictures of Yongsun. Five years recorded through cameras.

Too many photos.

And I have been selecting my favorites for hours, those that represent well all the events that I told you in this narrative, photos that summarize our five years together. I'm going to put together a photo book and give it to her as a gift.

Her birthday is tomorrow, so I don't have much time.  
*

Funny that the first time I saw her eyes were through my camera, nowadays I can only look in that chocolate unique color like that.

The last time I looked her in the eye was also through my camera.

I'm tired, dragging the weight of my feelings for her tires me too much.

I tidied up the apartment before leaving, remembering every moment I lived with her there, I took my things and sent them to my parent's house.

I won't come back to that apartment anymore.

I think it is symbolic to hand over my resignation to Hyejin, after all, it was she who hired me. Kind of unreasonable that the personal assistant of the editor-in-chief hired an amateur photographer, right? I just realized it now. Ah, Solar ...

You should have seen Hyejin's face when she realized what I was doing, I think she almost cried, but she kept her professional face. Her smile was sad though, just like mine. She hugged me, you know... and I think we really liked each other.

"Hyejin, can you do me a favor?" she nodded. "Give her my gift."

I held out the package and Hyejin hesitated.

"If you want, you can go and deliver it in person. She's in her office now..."

"No. I don't have the right to that, we're just strangers to each other. I appreciate it if you can do this favor."

"Okay, then... Byulyi-"

"Thank you, Hyejin! I need to go, bye!" I hugged her again before I left.

I didn't wait to see Solar's reaction.

But I left that building feeling lighter, like the day I first entered there ... Five years ago.

I broke free, not because I resigned or because I put an end to that story.

My freedom is because I finally stopped being overwhelmed, I released those three little words that weighed so much inside me.

I wrote next to each photo, on each page, to make up for all the times I swallowed those words and suppressed my feelings.

It is also the only thing that is written on the birthday card that I did not sign.

You know what it is, don't you?

Now, after all, I finally dared to say...

_"I love you."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there! Thank you for reading ^^ 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed it, even though it isn't a story with a conventional happy ending.
> 
> Thank you!


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